People Not Hearing You? Try Listening.

Have you ever had one of those arguments where you keep repeating yourself, and you might as well be talking to a wall for all the headway you're making in the conversation?

I think we've all had at least one of those. Maybe too many to count.

What if there's a better way?

I invite you to partake in a thought experiment: What if the lack of connection is caused by habits we picked up when we were younger? Old survival tactics that served you once, but are getting in the way of real intimacy now. ("You" in this article is the plural use of the word to encompass everyone reading. If it does not sound like your personal habit, just acknowledge that this can be true for others. *Bonus points if resistance or rejection is your first reaction, and then you can find how it applies in your own patterns.)

One common habit I've noticed is a protection mechanism of putting yourself first to make sure your needs get met. This may sound normal and needed, but at the extremes, it means that no one else matters until you are "safe". In conversation, this leads to needing your stance to be heard first before the other's reality can be considered.

Now if all parties in the discussion have this mechanism, that's when you start talking to walls. Each begins talking at the other, without listening, because we don't feel heard. They can't hear us. We can't hear them. It's a vicious cycle.

To break this cycle, recognize that it's happening. and interrupt the pattern. Speak to it. Tell your conversation partner, that you notice you both are going around in circles and would like to start at square one. Calmly ask them to give an overview of their point in 2 or 3 sentences, short and sweet, so you can be sure you understand where their starting point is. Then summarize what they said in your own words, followed by the question, "Is that true/correct?"

Keep the back and forth volley going like that as they clarify or expand on their point. Try not to let them get too far into a lengthy oration before slipping in your summary and "Is that true?" This allows you to keep track of what's going on and gives them the amazing gift of being heard and understood. This fosters feelings of trust and connection for both of you!

Once your partner feels heard and their needs are met, their survival strategy turns off. Now they have the space to hear your side of things, and it is your turn to share. Ask your partner to do the back and forth volley that you were doing for them (summarize and "Is this true?").

It may also be useful to set timers for each person to speak. For instance, Partner A has 2 minutes to state their point, then Partner B gives a 1 minute or less summary of what they heard in their own words. If Partner A doesn't feel like Partner B fully understands, Partner A gets 1 minute to clarify what Partner B missed. Then Partner B gets another minute to summarize again to show they understood the clarification and how it pertains to Partner A's initial point.

Key word here is Understood, not agreed with.

After Partner A is satisfied Partner B fully understands, switch who is the main speaker and repeat: Partner B now speaks their point for 2 minutes, with Partner A summarizing what they understood for 1 minute. Only when both partners feels complete in their expression and that they are understood by the other, can you start introducing counter points.

Keep all counter points for after both initial stances are heard and understood. This keeps things from devolving into argument territory. For this part of the conversation, continue with the 2-1 structure, but now keep switching who is the main speaker (2 min) after the point is understood by the other. This is where you can agree or disagree and persuade. This is the basis for healthy rhetoric.

While some may find this 2-1 format restrictive, it is a good starting point. Another technique is also known as a "talking stick", where the stick is passed around between those in a conversation to make the one holding it the main speaker and everyone else can either only ask questions or not talk at all until the one holding the stick is finished and understood.

No matter how you go about this back and forth volley of conversation, we open ourselves up for connection by listening and seeking to understand our partner(s), instead of causing disconnection by trying to hammer a point into a wall that isn't able receive it. Let's be doors or windows instead of walls. Step into their world, and give them an invite to visit yours. With compassion and understanding we are able to receive our partner and effectively communicate to create a more harmonious world.